Tuesday, March 24, 2009
While us mere mortals would keep focusing on our sleep (if only this noise would subside).
Sojaa Re! One Billion dolts, a campaign launched by 69 Solutions (a for-profit organization), to benumb and desensitize the citizens of India, especially the youth, to stay asleep during the voting on the Election Day. Its mission is to petrify the youth of the nation into inaction. And to wither away the effects of excessive activism shown by pro-democracy forces into oblivion. Unlike some other peevish and elitist campaigns we target all of India (and not just some ELITE BIG cities).
Visit Sojaa Re! One Billion dolts [http://www.sojaare.com/] for all your sleeping needs.
To know more about the campaign - About Us [http://www.sojaare.com/about.html].
To get answers to sleeping related queries - FAQ [http://www.sojaare.com/faq.html].
(More coming soon)
Also, find us [http://www.orkut.co.in/Main#Community.aspx?cmm=84658637] on Orkut.
and find us [http://www.facebook.com/groups.php?ref=sb#/group.php?gid=60840471970] on Facebook.
If you support and appreciate this effort, please forward this message to all your contacts and spread the word around by whatever means available to you and help and support this noble (in every sense of the word) and great cause, your one mail carries a billion hopes and aspirations on its shoulders, think about it.
The 69 Solutions Team
Why 69? Because one more or one less isn't quite 69.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
[Celebrating 60 years of our independence. We are publishing a series of articles titled Know India's various castes. Here we will be detailing the day to day life of one particular caste of India in every article.]
Jats are one the most ethical and righteous people on earth. And when it comes to women their generosity and chivalry is world renowned. Jats never beat up any women except for those from their own household. If any such a need arises, and it arises quite often, they organise a panchayat to sit over it. The Panchayat decides the penalty for the soon to be charred individual. The Panchayats do a commendable job and are very lenient towards charred remains of the culprits (esp as they were once women).
A Jat never does any wrong with anybody. Throughout one zillion year old history of Jats, no Jat has ever told a lie or wronged anybody. In fact, IPC (Indian Penal Code) as opposed to IPL, states that any evidence given by Jat men in the court of law is to be admitted unequivocally as incriminating evidence incognito without any consideration or delay. It is a well known fact that Harish Chandra, was a well known Jat, so this is not at all something to be surprised at.
Jat men keep women illiterate for fear of spreading AIDS. It is a well known fact that in Jats, apart from the usual ducts of pleasure, AIDS also spreads via any activity that involves using brains. Though much remains unclear, scientists claim that this can be explained by presence of cavity-less holes (a very distinct feature of Jats), where other homo-sapiens seem to have brains. These ducts allow for free transmission of sexually transmitted diseases STD. That also explains why Jats are so reluctant to use their brains or whatever semblance of brains they have.
Women in Jats play big role, both as protector and courier for Jat values. A typical day for Jat woman involves the following:
- Waking up early in the morning (i.e. if allowed to sleep)
- Take the morning pounding (strictly vaginal)
- Get water from some far away place instead of using the homely handpump.
- Cook Bajre ki Roti and Sarso ka saag - the only thing real Jats eat.
- Go to the fields and get teased by some rustic on the way, typically some male friend of husband and later on get beaten for that
- Work in the fields, while husband is sitting playing cards or decimating a hukka back home. Typical jobs including drafting the harrow through the fields or standing as scarecrow.
- Return from fields in the evening - get some tight slaps on the face, just to keep it nice and supple.
- Take the cattle for drinking water where some other rustic teases her
- Milk the cattles on return.
- Get a consolidated beating for all known and unknown mistakes made during the day. It is more energy efficient that way.
- Cook food again, again the good old Bajre ki Roti and Sarson ka saag will do.
- Get ready for fresh pounding by taking a bath and tidying herself up - Jat men like to a fresh look or else they flip out and kick in the vagina and have sex with their twelve year old daughter instead.
- Get harrowed till he falls asleep (might involve various poses from kamasutra).
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
There are two schools of thought that are doing rounds in the corridors of North Block. One is to break out India from (what now is) rest of Asia and second is to “expel” Pakistan from Asia. First approach is to alter Indian tectonic plate in such a way that India separates out leaving behind rest of the Asia intact. In second approach both Indian and Eurasian tectonic plates will be modified to “expel” Pakistan from Asia. There are people supporting vigorously either of these two views. And the distribution of opinion is fairly even, especially as both the approaches are “conceivable” and are having their own advantages and disadvantages.
For the benefit of casual reader the relative advantages and disadvantages of both are listed below:
- This gives India a certain geographical or political independence from the rest of Asia or even from the whole world. The situation India might find itself in will be similar to USA after WW2.
- This is the easier thing to do, as only Indian tectonic plate needs alteration, and thus, no external seal of approval is needed.
- India can probably use her diplomatic influence (and what great influence she has!) to have herself declared the eighth continent surrounded by Indian ocean. Together with a permanent seat in security council with a power to veto, this would be one hell of a moment of triumph for the pride and glory of India.
- India would be losing out on substantial trade with China and other Asian countries, especially tiger skin and elephant tusks.
- India would be losing out on Himalayas, especially Shiva's erect phallus.
- Demolition of Himalayas may not go down well with Hindutva groups such as BJP.
- Hindu Sadhus will have fewer places to contend with.
- Stops all trade of Pakistan with its neighbours especially China.
- Isolates Pakistan from the rest of Asia and the rest of the world. So this ensures that we are teaching Pakistan a proper lesson.
- India can probably use her influence to have Pakistan declared an insignificant chunk of brazen mass of land, and thus, a non-entity. This would be the ultimate revenge against Pakistan.
- India would be losing out on drugs especially opium.
- Approval from a lot many countries would be required and a significant diplomatic effort might be necessitated. Even the present Congress Government with all it exceptional diplomats might find it difficult to push it down the throat of west.
- India would have to probably accommodate American wish of carving out rest of the Muslim world as well, barring the oil rich regions.
- One obvious advantage is to make India more safe and secure from insurgency operations. A lot of effort gets spent on cleaning up the debris left after each such attack. All that effort would be saved. Further cleaning up of those (sort of) permanent red blotches left on roadways and walls of malls and hotels due to pools of blood spread around, a major revulsion for the cultured and commiserative people of India, will not be required.
- No Kashmir and we will have an automatic resolution of Kashmir issue.
- This move will be opposed by Indian army as army men would be losing out on a lot of money sent towards Kashmir.
- Politicians can no longer harp on the rhetoric of Kashmir and Pakistan (at least not in the conventional sense).
- Journalists and media men will have fewer things to bash the Government with. Also they would miss the gruesome and heart rending scenes, with their lengthy apologies and deep commiseration for the dead, which they would have been sorry to exhibit in front of their distressed audience.
- People of India will have nothing to look forward to lighten up their morose lives and nobody to put the blame onto, so that they can forget their own wickedness and corruption.
- We would have nobody to blame, when blasts are carried out in Mosques, Gurdwaras and/or Churches with the intention of inciting hatred amongst various communities.
- There will be no heroes, who died the death of a martyr and who fought bravely and gallantly the bullets of coward terrorists, for us the humbled and thankful lot.
The final decision in this regards is still pending and Government is looking into it from all possible angles (even from the one that let's one see what is inside a woman's skirt). Government is keeping a tight lip over the matter for now, except may be leaking a word or two to one of the more prominent media houses based upon superiority of compensation offered.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Further Obama said, “I want the message of hope and change to live for a thousand years and it is only befitting that we start with change right from the place where the need arose in first place.” In his characteristic eloquence, Obama added, “The dream of black slaves who built Blackhouse (then Whitehouse) needs to live on.”
Addressing a roaring crowd, Obama said, “There are voices from blacks all over the world, to have Whitehouse demolished and instead have a new Blackhouse erected employing white slaves. But I don't agree with such voices, this would not only cruel and gruesome but will be against the principles of sound economics. Throughout our campaign, I have believed in hope and felt that our national heritage must be preserved at all cost. So instead of starting from scratch, we would paint the Whitehouse black and call it Blackhouse. Indeed we will employ white slaves in black sleeves to do that. This will echo into the lands farther and wider than ever before, the message of hope. And is most befitting celebration of American renewal and resurrection.”
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
“Even though the attacks in hotels and railway station in Mumbai, seems to suggest a rise in terrorism. But evidence exists which proves to the contrary. In fact, terrorism will fall by 25 to 30 per cent this year,” warns DHP Chamber in a report submitted to Central Government on impact of slowdown in economy and tourism on terrorism in India.
Stating that there had been a substantial fall in terrorism, PHD Chamber assessed chances of terrorist strike on any major city in India to be very grim for the coming few months. “In October last year, there was a mere 1.8 per cent rise in number of terrorist attacks in India over the corresponding figure of October 2007. In comparison, the increase in foreign terrorist incidents in October 2007, compared to the same month in 2006, was 13.6 per cent. Increase in the number of cancellations in terrorist strikes is mainly due to economic slowdown and the generally prevailing atmosphere of distrust.”
The report quotes a terrorist named Al Wahidi, “Two years before a call for Jihad in some commonplace poster or even some graffiti on public lavatories would have attracted a thousand strong contingent of Jihadi warriors. But now advertisements placed in leading national newspapers don't fetch more than a handful. The reason is,” Al Wahidi goes on to say, “the reluctance of Arab Sheikhs and Mullas to invest in Jihad. Everybody seems to hold his cards close to his chest. The atmosphere of mistrust and fear is so intense that even big players are desisting from getting their hands wet.”
The report also reveals that during September to December last year recession has actually caused the cancellation of terrorist strikes by 30 to 40 per cent. “Demand for terrorist attacks is down, basically Arab Sheikhs have been badly affected by recession. Major terrorism destination states like JK, Delhi, UP, Maharastra, Karnatka and Gujrat have seen 20 to 25 per cent drop in terrorist activities.”
Reacting to the report, Home Minister, P. Chidambaram said, “India should be prepared for temporary slowdown on terrorism, but important think to realize is that our fundamentals are quite strong, and once global situation stablizes, terrorism in India will again return to the growth trajectory of 8 to 9 percent. Another important thing to note is that under the present UPA regime, terrorism in India, for the first time has been able to sustain a growth rate of nine per cent or more over a period of three years.”
He further went on to say, “There has been a marked change in the way the terrorism in India is viewed both within and outside the country. The whole world now recognizes India as a major terrorist destination. This is a major achievement for not only UPA Government but also for the whole of India.” He further reiterated, “Terrorism in India will weather the storm of global economic meltdown. The authorities in the US and Europe have taken a number of bold and unconventional steps in order to stabilise the financial situation. We hope that their efforts will succeed and terrorism will reach its crescendo again.”