Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Know India's various castes: Jat

[Celebrating 60 years of our independence. We are publishing a series of articles titled Know India's various castes. Here we will be detailing the day to day life of one particular caste of India in every article.]


Jat Culture

Men

Jats are one the most ethical and righteous people on earth. And when it comes to women their generosity and chivalry is world renowned. Jats never beat up any women except for those from their own household. If any such a need arises, and it arises quite often, they organise a panchayat to sit over it. The Panchayat decides the penalty for the soon to be charred individual. The Panchayats do a commendable job and are very lenient towards charred remains of the culprits (esp as they were once women).

A Jat never does any wrong with anybody. Throughout one zillion year old history of Jats, no Jat has ever told a lie or wronged anybody. In fact, IPC (Indian Penal Code) as opposed to IPL, states that any evidence given by Jat men in the court of law is to be admitted unequivocally as incriminating evidence incognito without any consideration or delay. It is a well known fact that Harish Chandra, was a well known Jat, so this is not at all something to be surprised at.

Jat men keep women illiterate for fear of spreading AIDS. It is a well known fact that in Jats, apart from the usual ducts of pleasure, AIDS also spreads via any activity that involves using brains. Though much remains unclear, scientists claim that this can be explained by presence of cavity-less holes (a very distinct feature of Jats), where other homo-sapiens seem to have brains. These ducts allow for free transmission of sexually transmitted diseases STD. That also explains why Jats are so reluctant to use their brains or whatever semblance of brains they have.

Women

Women in Jats play big role, both as protector and courier for Jat values. A typical day for Jat woman involves the following:

  1. Waking up early in the morning (i.e. if allowed to sleep)
  2. Take the morning pounding (strictly vaginal)
  3. Get water from some far away place instead of using the homely handpump.
  4. Cook Bajre ki Roti and Sarso ka saag - the only thing real Jats eat.
  5. Go to the fields and get teased by some rustic on the way, typically some male friend of husband and later on get beaten for that
  6. Work in the fields, while husband is sitting playing cards or decimating a hukka back home. Typical jobs including drafting the harrow through the fields or standing as scarecrow.
  7. Return from fields in the evening - get some tight slaps on the face, just to keep it nice and supple.
  8. Take the cattle for drinking water where some other rustic teases her
  9. Milk the cattles on return.
  10. Get a consolidated beating for all known and unknown mistakes made during the day. It is more energy efficient that way.
  11. Cook food again, again the good old Bajre ki Roti and Sarson ka saag will do.
  12. Get ready for fresh pounding by taking a bath and tidying herself up - Jat men like to a fresh look or else they flip out and kick in the vagina and have sex with their twelve year old daughter instead.
  13. Get harrowed till he falls asleep (might involve various poses from kamasutra).