India to break all ties with Pakistan

New Delhi: Along with breaking business, transport, tourist and cultural ties with Pakistan, India is mulling breaking all physical ties with Pakistan, if sources in Home Ministry and MEA are to be believed. After announcing that India will take “all steps necessary” to win war on terror, the Government is mulling altering physical boundaries of Asia and World if Pakistan fails to help investigate the Mumbai terrorist attacks.

There are two schools of thought that are doing rounds in the corridors of North Block. One is to break out India from (what now is) rest of Asia and second is to “expel” Pakistan from Asia. First approach is to alter Indian tectonic plate in such a way that India separates out leaving behind rest of the Asia intact. In second approach both Indian and Eurasian tectonic plates will be modified to “expel” Pakistan from Asia. There are people supporting vigorously either of these two views. And the distribution of opinion is fairly even, especially as both the approaches are “conceivable” and are having their own advantages and disadvantages.

For the benefit of casual reader the relative advantages and disadvantages of both are listed below:

Approach I:
Advantages:

1. This gives India a certain geographical or political independence from the rest of Asia or even from the whole world. The situation India might find itself in will be similar to USA after WW2.
2. This is the easier thing to do, as only Indian tectonic plate needs alteration, and thus, no external seal of approval is needed.
3. India can probably use her diplomatic influence (and what great influence she has!) to have herself declared the eighth continent surrounded by Indian ocean. Together with a permanent seat in security council with a power to veto, this would be one hell of a moment of triumph for the pride and glory of India.
   

Disadvantages:

1. India would be losing out on substantial trade with China and other Asian countries, especially tiger skin and elephant tusks.
2. India would be losing out on Himalayas, especially Shiva's erect phallus.
3. Demolition of Himalayas may not go down well with Hindutva groups such as BJP.
4. Hindu Sadhus will have fewer places to contend with.
   

Approach II:
Advantages:

1. Stops all trade of Pakistan with its neighbours especially China.
   
2. Isolates Pakistan from the rest of Asia and the rest of the world. So this ensures that we are teaching Pakistan a proper lesson.
3. India can probably use her influence to have Pakistan declared an insignificant chunk of brazen mass of land, and thus, a non-entity. This would be the ultimate revenge against Pakistan.
   

Disadvantages:

1. India would be losing out on drugs especially opium.
   
2. Approval from a lot many countries would be required and a significant diplomatic effort might be necessitated. Even the present Congress Government with all it exceptional diplomats might find it difficult to push it down the throat of west.
   
3. India would have to probably accommodate American wish of carving out rest of the Muslim world as well, barring the oil rich regions.
   

Common:

Advantages:

1. One obvious advantage is to make India more safe and secure from insurgency operations. A lot of effort gets spent on cleaning up the debris left after each such attack. All that effort would be saved. Further cleaning up of those (sort of) permanent red blotches left on roadways and walls of malls and hotels due to pools of blood spread around, a major revulsion for the cultured and commiserative people of India, will not be required.
   
2. No Kashmir and we will have an automatic resolution of Kashmir issue.

Disadvantages:

1. This move will be opposed by Indian army as army men would be losing out on a lot of money sent towards Kashmir.
2. Politicians can no longer harp on the rhetoric of Kashmir and Pakistan (at least not in the conventional sense).
3. Journalists and media men will have fewer things to bash the Government with. Also they would miss the gruesome and heart rending scenes, with their lengthy apologies and deep commiseration for the dead, which they would have been sorry to exhibit in front of their distressed audience.
   
4. People of India will have nothing to look forward to lighten up their morose lives and nobody to put the blame onto, so that they can forget their own wickedness and corruption.
5. We would have nobody to blame, when blasts are carried out in Mosques, Gurdwaras and/or Churches with the intention of inciting hatred amongst various communities.
6. There will be no heroes, who died the death of a martyr and who fought bravely and gallantly the bullets of coward terrorists, for us the humbled and thankful lot.
   

The final decision in this regards is still pending and Government is looking into it from all possible angles (even from the one that let's one see what is inside a woman's skirt). Government is keeping a tight lip over the matter for now, except may be leaking a word or two to one of the more prominent media houses based upon superiority of compensation offered.

Economic slowdown hits terrorism

OLD DELHI: Economic slowdown and especially the recent fall in tourism has hit terrorism badly in the country, according to DHP Chamber of Terrorism and Extremism.

“Even though the attacks in hotels and railway station in Mumbai, seems to suggest a rise in terrorism. But evidence exists which proves to the contrary. In fact, terrorism will fall by 25 to 30 per cent this year,” warns DHP Chamber in a report submitted to Central Government on impact of slowdown in economy and tourism on terrorism in India.

Stating that there had been a substantial fall in terrorism, PHD Chamber assessed chances of terrorist strike on any major city in India to be very grim for the coming few months. “In October last year, there was a mere 1.8 per cent rise in number of terrorist attacks in India over the corresponding figure of October 2007. In comparison, the increase in foreign terrorist incidents in October 2007, compared to the same month in 2006, was 13.6 per cent. Increase in the number of cancellations in terrorist strikes is mainly due to economic slowdown and the generally prevailing atmosphere of distrust.”

The report quotes a terrorist named Al Wahidi, “Two years before a call for Jihad in some commonplace poster or even some graffiti on public lavatories would have attracted a thousand strong contingent of Jihadi warriors. But now advertisements placed in leading national newspapers don't fetch more than a handful. The reason is,” Al Wahidi goes on to say, “the reluctance of Arab Sheikhs and Mullas to invest in Jihad. Everybody seems to hold his cards close to his chest. The atmosphere of mistrust and fear is so intense that even big players are desisting from getting their hands wet.”

The report also reveals that during September to December last year recession has actually caused the cancellation of terrorist strikes by 30 to 40 per cent. “Demand for terrorist attacks is down, basically Arab Sheikhs have been badly affected by recession. Major terrorism destination states like JK, Delhi, UP, Maharastra, Karnatka and Gujrat have seen 20 to 25 per cent drop in terrorist activities.”

Reacting to the report, Home Minister, P. Chidambaram said, “India should be prepared for temporary slowdown on terrorism, but important think to realize is that our fundamentals are quite strong, and once global situation stablizes, terrorism in India will again return to the growth trajectory of 8 to 9 percent. Another important thing to note is that under the present UPA regime, terrorism in India, for the first time has been able to sustain a growth rate of nine per cent or more over a period of three years.”

He further went on to say, “There has been a marked change in the way the terrorism in India is viewed both within and outside the country. The whole world now recognizes India as a major terrorist destination. This is a major achievement for not only UPA Government but also for the whole of India.” He further reiterated, “Terrorism in India will weather the storm of global economic meltdown. The authorities in the US and Europe have taken a number of bold and unconventional steps in order to stabilise the financial situation. We hope that their efforts will succeed and terrorism will reach its crescendo again.”

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY: A protest march somewhere

Tendulkar left numb by Mumbai attacks

Tendulkar left numb by Mumbai attacks,
gets out clean bowled

Remembering Mumbai victims

SHARING THE GRIEF: Students from 18 countries, including Pakistan, hold Pyrex Glass Dildos inside a school auditorium in Lucknow on Monday in memory of those killed in the Mumbai attacks. The students are here to take part in the International Young Mathematician Convention.

Terrorism is good for the economy

The 30-Share Bombay Stock Exchange Sensitive Index (BSE Sensex) fell by 252.85 points to 8839.87. This in stark contrast Friday's rise of 80 points, what many believe, confirms hypothesis that the War on Terror is bad for the Economy. Many experts are already calling for a restraint in our efforts to combat terror and some are even suggesting abandoning of such endeavors altogether.

The hypothesis that wars lead to economic growth is nothing new. Ever since the Science of Economy has taken over the burden of explaining economic phenomenon, we have seen book after book smeared with words, sentences, paragraphs and pages dedicated to explaining the relationships between wars and economy. One particular example is the global economic crisis of 1929, which was followed by WW2. Post WW2 we have seen sustained and unprecedented economic growth, which indeed has been fueled by other wars that have taken place over the second half of the last century as well. This apparent close nexus between wars and economic growth has been, as some economists claim it, the cornerstone of modern capitalism.

Now some experts argue that Global War on Terror is just another War, and failure of Global War on Terror to give impetus to global economy is an indication that the two, viz. War and Economy, are not interlinked. But still some other experts argue that, War on Terror apart from a few friendly fires here and there and a few rogue missiles treating children's nurseries as terrorist camps, is essentially about eliminating violence and restoring peace. This apparently ulterior motive of War on Terror forestalls any advantages that might have been yielded to the economy. So these other experts continue to argue that War on Terror is not the same as any other war and two are very different both in character and final impact on the economy.

A further impetus to the hypothesis is the Global Recession that some experts claim has been a direct result of Global War on Terror initiated by US and in which India is an active partner along with a host of other countries. Experts further claim that the Greater the War on Terror the greater is the damage to the economy. Similarly, greater the extent of War on Terror, greater is still the extent to which impact can be felt adversaly on the economy. If these experts are to be believed monday's fall at the BSE is nothing but just another attestation of this hypothesis.

Professor D. Rangarajan from War and Economic Studies Department, of IIIIIWET, says, and we quote, “On Friday, while terrorist attack was on, we saw a rise on stocks at the BSE, and on Monday when this so-called “battle” against terrorism was won the trends were reversed. Now it is well established fact that Stock-markets are the barometer of success of any economy. So the facts speak for themselves. It is high time that the relevant authorities, and now that the same person holds both Finance ministry and Home ministry this should be relatively easy, take notice and the so-called War on Terror if not put on halt, at least curbed to the extent that it does not in any way hinder the growth of economy.”

From our side, we can only add that, if the words of these eminent and renowned economists are to be believed, authorities should pay heed to these voices and take the steps necessary (or rather not take unnecessary steps in this case :) to ensure proper growth of the economy.