Sojaa Re! One Billion dolts

Voice of all people is mere noise, you can hear it with as much pleasure as you want.

While us mere mortals would keep focusing on our sleep (if only this noise would subside).



Sojaa Re! One Billion dolts, a campaign launched by 69 Solutions (a for-profit organization), to benumb and desensitize the citizens of India, especially the youth, to stay asleep during the voting on the Election Day. Its mission is to petrify the youth of the nation into inaction. And to wither away the effects of excessive activism shown by pro-democracy forces into oblivion. Unlike some other peevish and elitist campaigns we target all of India (and not just some ELITE BIG cities).

Visit Sojaa Re! One Billion dolts [http://www.sojaare.com/] for all your sleeping needs.

To know more about the campaign - About Us [http://www.sojaare.com/about.html].
To get answers to sleeping related queries - FAQ [http://www.sojaare.com/faq.html].
(More coming soon)

Also, find us [http://www.orkut.co.in/Main#Community.aspx?cmm=84658637] on Orkut.
and find us [http://www.facebook.com/groups.php?ref=sb#/group.php?gid=60840471970] on Facebook.




If you support and appreciate this effort, please forward this message to all your contacts and spread the word around by whatever means available to you and help and support this noble (in every sense of the word) and great cause, your one mail carries a billion hopes and aspirations on its shoulders, think about it.



BEST WISHES
AND REGARDS
*******************************
The 69 Solutions Team
*******************************
Why 69? Because one more or one less isn't quite 69.

Know India's various castes: Jat

[Celebrating 60 years of our independence. We are publishing a series of articles titled Know India's various castes. Here we will be detailing the day to day life of one particular caste of India in every article.]

Jat Culture

Men

Jats are one the most ethical and righteous people on earth. And when it comes to women their generosity and chivalry is world renowned. Jats never beat up any women except for those from their own household. If any such a need arises, and it arises quite often, they organise a panchayat to sit over it. The Panchayat decides the penalty for the soon to be charred individual. The Panchayats do a commendable job and are very lenient towards charred remains of the culprits (esp as they were once women).

A Jat never does any wrong with anybody. Throughout one zillion year old history of Jats, no Jat has ever told a lie or wronged anybody. In fact, IPC (Indian Penal Code) as opposed to IPL, states that any evidence given by Jat men in the court of law is to be admitted unequivocally as incriminating evidence incognito without any consideration or delay. It is a well known fact that Harish Chandra, was a well known Jat, so this is not at all something to be surprised at.

Jat men keep women illiterate for fear of spreading AIDS. It is a well known fact that in Jats, apart from the usual ducts of pleasure, AIDS also spreads via any activity that involves using brains. Though much remains unclear, scientists claim that this can be explained by presence of cavity-less holes (a very distinct feature of Jats), where other homo-sapiens seem to have brains. These ducts allow for free transmission of sexually transmitted diseases STD. That also explains why Jats are so reluctant to use their brains or whatever semblance of brains they have.

Women

Women in Jats play big role, both as protector and courier for Jat values. A typical day for Jat woman involves the following:

1. Waking up early in the morning (i.e. if allowed to sleep)
2. Take the morning pounding (strictly vaginal)
3. Get water from some far away place instead of using the homely handpump.
4. Cook Bajre ki Roti and Sarso ka saag - the only thing real Jats eat.
5. Go to the fields and get teased by some rustic on the way, typically some male friend of husband and later on get beaten for that
6. Work in the fields, while husband is sitting playing cards or decimating a hukka back home. Typical jobs including drafting the harrow through the fields or standing as scarecrow.
7. Return from fields in the evening - get some tight slaps on the face, just to keep it nice and supple.
8. Take the cattle for drinking water where some other rustic teases her
9. Milk the cattles on return.
10. Get a consolidated beating for all known and unknown mistakes made during the day. It is more energy efficient that way.
11. Cook food again, again the good old Bajre ki Roti and Sarson ka saag will do.
12. Get ready for fresh pounding by taking a bath and tidying herself up - Jat men like to a fresh look or else they flip out and kick in the vagina and have sex with their twelve year old daughter instead.
13. Get harrowed till he falls asleep (might involve various poses from kamasutra).

India to break all ties with Pakistan

New Delhi: Along with breaking business, transport, tourist and cultural ties with Pakistan, India is mulling breaking all physical ties with Pakistan, if sources in Home Ministry and MEA are to be believed. After announcing that India will take “all steps necessary” to win war on terror, the Government is mulling altering physical boundaries of Asia and World if Pakistan fails to help investigate the Mumbai terrorist attacks.

There are two schools of thought that are doing rounds in the corridors of North Block. One is to break out India from (what now is) rest of Asia and second is to “expel” Pakistan from Asia. First approach is to alter Indian tectonic plate in such a way that India separates out leaving behind rest of the Asia intact. In second approach both Indian and Eurasian tectonic plates will be modified to “expel” Pakistan from Asia. There are people supporting vigorously either of these two views. And the distribution of opinion is fairly even, especially as both the approaches are “conceivable” and are having their own advantages and disadvantages.

For the benefit of casual reader the relative advantages and disadvantages of both are listed below:

Approach I:
Advantages:

1. This gives India a certain geographical or political independence from the rest of Asia or even from the whole world. The situation India might find itself in will be similar to USA after WW2.
2. This is the easier thing to do, as only Indian tectonic plate needs alteration, and thus, no external seal of approval is needed.
3. India can probably use her diplomatic influence (and what great influence she has!) to have herself declared the eighth continent surrounded by Indian ocean. Together with a permanent seat in security council with a power to veto, this would be one hell of a moment of triumph for the pride and glory of India.
   

Disadvantages:

1. India would be losing out on substantial trade with China and other Asian countries, especially tiger skin and elephant tusks.
2. India would be losing out on Himalayas, especially Shiva's erect phallus.
3. Demolition of Himalayas may not go down well with Hindutva groups such as BJP.
4. Hindu Sadhus will have fewer places to contend with.
   

Approach II:
Advantages:

1. Stops all trade of Pakistan with its neighbours especially China.
   
2. Isolates Pakistan from the rest of Asia and the rest of the world. So this ensures that we are teaching Pakistan a proper lesson.
3. India can probably use her influence to have Pakistan declared an insignificant chunk of brazen mass of land, and thus, a non-entity. This would be the ultimate revenge against Pakistan.
   

Disadvantages:

1. India would be losing out on drugs especially opium.
   
2. Approval from a lot many countries would be required and a significant diplomatic effort might be necessitated. Even the present Congress Government with all it exceptional diplomats might find it difficult to push it down the throat of west.
   
3. India would have to probably accommodate American wish of carving out rest of the Muslim world as well, barring the oil rich regions.
   

Common:

Advantages:

1. One obvious advantage is to make India more safe and secure from insurgency operations. A lot of effort gets spent on cleaning up the debris left after each such attack. All that effort would be saved. Further cleaning up of those (sort of) permanent red blotches left on roadways and walls of malls and hotels due to pools of blood spread around, a major revulsion for the cultured and commiserative people of India, will not be required.
   
2. No Kashmir and we will have an automatic resolution of Kashmir issue.

Disadvantages:

1. This move will be opposed by Indian army as army men would be losing out on a lot of money sent towards Kashmir.
2. Politicians can no longer harp on the rhetoric of Kashmir and Pakistan (at least not in the conventional sense).
3. Journalists and media men will have fewer things to bash the Government with. Also they would miss the gruesome and heart rending scenes, with their lengthy apologies and deep commiseration for the dead, which they would have been sorry to exhibit in front of their distressed audience.
   
4. People of India will have nothing to look forward to lighten up their morose lives and nobody to put the blame onto, so that they can forget their own wickedness and corruption.
5. We would have nobody to blame, when blasts are carried out in Mosques, Gurdwaras and/or Churches with the intention of inciting hatred amongst various communities.
6. There will be no heroes, who died the death of a martyr and who fought bravely and gallantly the bullets of coward terrorists, for us the humbled and thankful lot.
   

The final decision in this regards is still pending and Government is looking into it from all possible angles (even from the one that let's one see what is inside a woman's skirt). Government is keeping a tight lip over the matter for now, except may be leaking a word or two to one of the more prominent media houses based upon superiority of compensation offered.

NGO to hold World No Murders for Petty Reasons Day, 2009

Delhi: To increase awareness against murders committed for petty reasons, amongst criminals and especially murderers, with special emphasis on murders done by stabbing in the back, slitting of throat and poking foreign pointed objects in or towards genitals, Oamis, a Delhi based NGO, is organizing a workshop to commemorate the ‘World No Murders for Petty Reasons Day.’

“Every year, we conduct events as part of our No More Murders for Petty Reasons Mission from 11th-15th January, as we feel that such informative sessions for the criminals will help them to incorporate social concerns regarding such murders in their future enterprises,” said Oamis executive director, Suja Pijay Vukhija. Oamis or Organization of Aware Murdrers in Society’s “The No Murders for Petty Tour” for the murderers at the Tihar Jail on Tuesday is part of its week long No More Murders for Petty Reasons Mission, 2009.

The seventeen participating jails include Tihar Jail (Delhi), Alipore Jail and Vellore Central Prison to name a few important ones.

The workshop will initially focus on evidences of criminal activities that are related to murders for petty reasons over the last 100 years. However, the highlight of the event will be interactive session whereby criminals will be asked to enact situations and different kinds of murders for petty reasons (fake ones of course , you don't expect them to get nasty during workshop) they have committed or planned during their illustrious carrier.

For instance, while one group will enact stabbings and relate all the petty reasons to it, another will give combined history lessons on the industrial revolution and its effects on the murders for petty reasons. “These exercises will give us a clear understanding of what exactly is happening as far as murders for petty reasons are concerned and help us in incorporating this knowledge in any future research on the subject,” said, an obviously elated, Aadhika Tyer, a budding no-murders-for-petty-reasons-enthusiast. The best group will be chosen and given the coveted Murders Only for Non-Petty Reasons Trophy along with a prize money of Rs 2 lakhs.

Oamis, as part of its program, will also train five criminals from Tihar Jail as no-murders-for-petty-reasons-ambassadors. These criminals will be responsible for spreading awareness amongst other criminals and murderers inside and outside jail premises.

On the eve of week long workshop, the director of Oamis, N.P.M. Sevaram, had this message to give to all the criminals and budding criminal enthusiasts, “Let us all pledge that on Wednesday, 14th January, there will be no murders for petty reasons, such as a mobile (ok Nokia E71 and the likes excluded!), a hand watch (not even Rolex one, no exceptions for this one), a fake ring (in case of doubt always ask the concerned person, before embarking on the nasty stuff) or anything similar. Further, let us all pledge that in future no matter how urgent and pressing the need for money is, all murderers will adhere to no-murders-for-petty-reasons policy. If you need less money, than donate ‘extra money’ to some NGO; Oamis's own Donate-to-Us desk is always no further than a hand's length.”

On our part, we common people can only hope that the workshop is a huge success and is a pivotal point in shaping criminal history of the nation.

Pakistan will hand over toy replicas of India's Most Wanted

Washington: Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari said on Tuesday his Government was not responsible for last week's attacks on Mumbai and there was no tangible evidence to implicate any Pakistani in the Wednesday's terror attack. But, he added as a mark of respect for the feelings of Indians, Pakistan will be handing over toy replicas of all the gentlemen on India's “Most Wanted List of Toy Replicas.” Indian Government has been demanding for these replicas to be handed over for quite some time now.

The toy replicas will come in all shapes and sizes, from the size of a barbie doll, to real life ones like the sex dolls available on the internet. “As a special mark of sincerity and respect,” Mr Zardari said that, “he would himself hand over a jumbo sized replica of Dawood Ibrahim to the Prime Minister of India.” Though President Zardari refused to give a time line, he said that Pakistani Government is committed to “timely delivery” of the same. These replicas can be used for target practice by the armed forces or at the traditional effigy burning procession held every alternate wednesday in various Indian cities. “The Jumbo sized replica of Dawood Ibrahim can be used at next Dussehara or do Indians call it Vijay Dashmi,” added President Zardari with a slightly mischievous glint in his eyes.

Zardari also said that, “if India produced evidence that a Pakistani group was behind the attacks, his government would send even more such replicas. But at the same time, Pakistan's voluntarily giving away of these replicas should not be taken as a sign of any weakness or admittance that Pakistani Government or Military or Intelligence Services were in any way implicated in the terrorist attacks on Mumbai last Wednesday.”

“This is latest amongst many such series of steps and gestures takes from the Pakistani side. We are extending our hand of friendship towards India without any preconditions, now the onus lies on India to reciprocate,” added Zardari without addressing concerns expressed by certain journalists regarding the quality of these toy replicas. To the question, as to why this demand by India was not met before, Zardari said, “better late than never.”

Sources told RSS that the manufacturing of these replicas is already in full swing. Apart from pacifying the furious neighbour by fullfiling its long held demand, this will provide employment oppurtunities to hundreds of unemployed destitute youths in Pakistan. Unemployment has been rampant ever since the global recession hit Pakistani shores. This will be welcome relief for Pakistani youth.