India to break all ties with Pakistan

New Delhi: Along with breaking business, transport, tourist and cultural ties with Pakistan, India is mulling breaking all physical ties with Pakistan, if sources in Home Ministry and MEA are to be believed. After announcing that India will take “all steps necessary” to win war on terror, the Government is mulling altering physical boundaries of Asia and World if Pakistan fails to help investigate the Mumbai terrorist attacks.

There are two schools of thought that are doing rounds in the corridors of North Block. One is to break out India from (what now is) rest of Asia and second is to “expel” Pakistan from Asia. First approach is to alter Indian tectonic plate in such a way that India separates out leaving behind rest of the Asia intact. In second approach both Indian and Eurasian tectonic plates will be modified to “expel” Pakistan from Asia. There are people supporting vigorously either of these two views. And the distribution of opinion is fairly even, especially as both the approaches are “conceivable” and are having their own advantages and disadvantages.

For the benefit of casual reader the relative advantages and disadvantages of both are listed below:

Approach I:
Advantages:

1. This gives India a certain geographical or political independence from the rest of Asia or even from the whole world. The situation India might find itself in will be similar to USA after WW2.
2. This is the easier thing to do, as only Indian tectonic plate needs alteration, and thus, no external seal of approval is needed.
3. India can probably use her diplomatic influence (and what great influence she has!) to have herself declared the eighth continent surrounded by Indian ocean. Together with a permanent seat in security council with a power to veto, this would be one hell of a moment of triumph for the pride and glory of India.
   

Disadvantages:

1. India would be losing out on substantial trade with China and other Asian countries, especially tiger skin and elephant tusks.
2. India would be losing out on Himalayas, especially Shiva's erect phallus.
3. Demolition of Himalayas may not go down well with Hindutva groups such as BJP.
4. Hindu Sadhus will have fewer places to contend with.
   

Approach II:
Advantages:

1. Stops all trade of Pakistan with its neighbours especially China.
   
2. Isolates Pakistan from the rest of Asia and the rest of the world. So this ensures that we are teaching Pakistan a proper lesson.
3. India can probably use her influence to have Pakistan declared an insignificant chunk of brazen mass of land, and thus, a non-entity. This would be the ultimate revenge against Pakistan.
   

Disadvantages:

1. India would be losing out on drugs especially opium.
   
2. Approval from a lot many countries would be required and a significant diplomatic effort might be necessitated. Even the present Congress Government with all it exceptional diplomats might find it difficult to push it down the throat of west.
   
3. India would have to probably accommodate American wish of carving out rest of the Muslim world as well, barring the oil rich regions.
   

Common:

Advantages:

1. One obvious advantage is to make India more safe and secure from insurgency operations. A lot of effort gets spent on cleaning up the debris left after each such attack. All that effort would be saved. Further cleaning up of those (sort of) permanent red blotches left on roadways and walls of malls and hotels due to pools of blood spread around, a major revulsion for the cultured and commiserative people of India, will not be required.
   
2. No Kashmir and we will have an automatic resolution of Kashmir issue.

Disadvantages:

1. This move will be opposed by Indian army as army men would be losing out on a lot of money sent towards Kashmir.
2. Politicians can no longer harp on the rhetoric of Kashmir and Pakistan (at least not in the conventional sense).
3. Journalists and media men will have fewer things to bash the Government with. Also they would miss the gruesome and heart rending scenes, with their lengthy apologies and deep commiseration for the dead, which they would have been sorry to exhibit in front of their distressed audience.
   
4. People of India will have nothing to look forward to lighten up their morose lives and nobody to put the blame onto, so that they can forget their own wickedness and corruption.
5. We would have nobody to blame, when blasts are carried out in Mosques, Gurdwaras and/or Churches with the intention of inciting hatred amongst various communities.
6. There will be no heroes, who died the death of a martyr and who fought bravely and gallantly the bullets of coward terrorists, for us the humbled and thankful lot.
   

The final decision in this regards is still pending and Government is looking into it from all possible angles (even from the one that let's one see what is inside a woman's skirt). Government is keeping a tight lip over the matter for now, except may be leaking a word or two to one of the more prominent media houses based upon superiority of compensation offered.

Pakistan will hand over toy replicas of India's Most Wanted

Washington: Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari said on Tuesday his Government was not responsible for last week's attacks on Mumbai and there was no tangible evidence to implicate any Pakistani in the Wednesday's terror attack. But, he added as a mark of respect for the feelings of Indians, Pakistan will be handing over toy replicas of all the gentlemen on India's “Most Wanted List of Toy Replicas.” Indian Government has been demanding for these replicas to be handed over for quite some time now.

The toy replicas will come in all shapes and sizes, from the size of a barbie doll, to real life ones like the sex dolls available on the internet. “As a special mark of sincerity and respect,” Mr Zardari said that, “he would himself hand over a jumbo sized replica of Dawood Ibrahim to the Prime Minister of India.” Though President Zardari refused to give a time line, he said that Pakistani Government is committed to “timely delivery” of the same. These replicas can be used for target practice by the armed forces or at the traditional effigy burning procession held every alternate wednesday in various Indian cities. “The Jumbo sized replica of Dawood Ibrahim can be used at next Dussehara or do Indians call it Vijay Dashmi,” added President Zardari with a slightly mischievous glint in his eyes.

Zardari also said that, “if India produced evidence that a Pakistani group was behind the attacks, his government would send even more such replicas. But at the same time, Pakistan's voluntarily giving away of these replicas should not be taken as a sign of any weakness or admittance that Pakistani Government or Military or Intelligence Services were in any way implicated in the terrorist attacks on Mumbai last Wednesday.”

“This is latest amongst many such series of steps and gestures takes from the Pakistani side. We are extending our hand of friendship towards India without any preconditions, now the onus lies on India to reciprocate,” added Zardari without addressing concerns expressed by certain journalists regarding the quality of these toy replicas. To the question, as to why this demand by India was not met before, Zardari said, “better late than never.”

Sources told RSS that the manufacturing of these replicas is already in full swing. Apart from pacifying the furious neighbour by fullfiling its long held demand, this will provide employment oppurtunities to hundreds of unemployed destitute youths in Pakistan. Unemployment has been rampant ever since the global recession hit Pakistani shores. This will be welcome relief for Pakistani youth.