Sojaa Re! One Billion dolts

Voice of all people is mere noise, you can hear it with as much pleasure as you want.

While us mere mortals would keep focusing on our sleep (if only this noise would subside).



Sojaa Re! One Billion dolts, a campaign launched by 69 Solutions (a for-profit organization), to benumb and desensitize the citizens of India, especially the youth, to stay asleep during the voting on the Election Day. Its mission is to petrify the youth of the nation into inaction. And to wither away the effects of excessive activism shown by pro-democracy forces into oblivion. Unlike some other peevish and elitist campaigns we target all of India (and not just some ELITE BIG cities).

Visit Sojaa Re! One Billion dolts [http://www.sojaare.com/] for all your sleeping needs.

To know more about the campaign - About Us [http://www.sojaare.com/about.html].
To get answers to sleeping related queries - FAQ [http://www.sojaare.com/faq.html].
(More coming soon)

Also, find us [http://www.orkut.co.in/Main#Community.aspx?cmm=84658637] on Orkut.
and find us [http://www.facebook.com/groups.php?ref=sb#/group.php?gid=60840471970] on Facebook.




If you support and appreciate this effort, please forward this message to all your contacts and spread the word around by whatever means available to you and help and support this noble (in every sense of the word) and great cause, your one mail carries a billion hopes and aspirations on its shoulders, think about it.



BEST WISHES
AND REGARDS
*******************************
The 69 Solutions Team
*******************************
Why 69? Because one more or one less isn't quite 69.

Know India's various castes: Jat

[Celebrating 60 years of our independence. We are publishing a series of articles titled Know India's various castes. Here we will be detailing the day to day life of one particular caste of India in every article.]

Jat Culture

Men

Jats are one the most ethical and righteous people on earth. And when it comes to women their generosity and chivalry is world renowned. Jats never beat up any women except for those from their own household. If any such a need arises, and it arises quite often, they organise a panchayat to sit over it. The Panchayat decides the penalty for the soon to be charred individual. The Panchayats do a commendable job and are very lenient towards charred remains of the culprits (esp as they were once women).

A Jat never does any wrong with anybody. Throughout one zillion year old history of Jats, no Jat has ever told a lie or wronged anybody. In fact, IPC (Indian Penal Code) as opposed to IPL, states that any evidence given by Jat men in the court of law is to be admitted unequivocally as incriminating evidence incognito without any consideration or delay. It is a well known fact that Harish Chandra, was a well known Jat, so this is not at all something to be surprised at.

Jat men keep women illiterate for fear of spreading AIDS. It is a well known fact that in Jats, apart from the usual ducts of pleasure, AIDS also spreads via any activity that involves using brains. Though much remains unclear, scientists claim that this can be explained by presence of cavity-less holes (a very distinct feature of Jats), where other homo-sapiens seem to have brains. These ducts allow for free transmission of sexually transmitted diseases STD. That also explains why Jats are so reluctant to use their brains or whatever semblance of brains they have.

Women

Women in Jats play big role, both as protector and courier for Jat values. A typical day for Jat woman involves the following:

1. Waking up early in the morning (i.e. if allowed to sleep)
2. Take the morning pounding (strictly vaginal)
3. Get water from some far away place instead of using the homely handpump.
4. Cook Bajre ki Roti and Sarso ka saag - the only thing real Jats eat.
5. Go to the fields and get teased by some rustic on the way, typically some male friend of husband and later on get beaten for that
6. Work in the fields, while husband is sitting playing cards or decimating a hukka back home. Typical jobs including drafting the harrow through the fields or standing as scarecrow.
7. Return from fields in the evening - get some tight slaps on the face, just to keep it nice and supple.
8. Take the cattle for drinking water where some other rustic teases her
9. Milk the cattles on return.
10. Get a consolidated beating for all known and unknown mistakes made during the day. It is more energy efficient that way.
11. Cook food again, again the good old Bajre ki Roti and Sarson ka saag will do.
12. Get ready for fresh pounding by taking a bath and tidying herself up - Jat men like to a fresh look or else they flip out and kick in the vagina and have sex with their twelve year old daughter instead.
13. Get harrowed till he falls asleep (might involve various poses from kamasutra).

India to break all ties with Pakistan

New Delhi: Along with breaking business, transport, tourist and cultural ties with Pakistan, India is mulling breaking all physical ties with Pakistan, if sources in Home Ministry and MEA are to be believed. After announcing that India will take “all steps necessary” to win war on terror, the Government is mulling altering physical boundaries of Asia and World if Pakistan fails to help investigate the Mumbai terrorist attacks.

There are two schools of thought that are doing rounds in the corridors of North Block. One is to break out India from (what now is) rest of Asia and second is to “expel” Pakistan from Asia. First approach is to alter Indian tectonic plate in such a way that India separates out leaving behind rest of the Asia intact. In second approach both Indian and Eurasian tectonic plates will be modified to “expel” Pakistan from Asia. There are people supporting vigorously either of these two views. And the distribution of opinion is fairly even, especially as both the approaches are “conceivable” and are having their own advantages and disadvantages.

For the benefit of casual reader the relative advantages and disadvantages of both are listed below:

Approach I:
Advantages:

1. This gives India a certain geographical or political independence from the rest of Asia or even from the whole world. The situation India might find itself in will be similar to USA after WW2.
2. This is the easier thing to do, as only Indian tectonic plate needs alteration, and thus, no external seal of approval is needed.
3. India can probably use her diplomatic influence (and what great influence she has!) to have herself declared the eighth continent surrounded by Indian ocean. Together with a permanent seat in security council with a power to veto, this would be one hell of a moment of triumph for the pride and glory of India.
   

Disadvantages:

1. India would be losing out on substantial trade with China and other Asian countries, especially tiger skin and elephant tusks.
2. India would be losing out on Himalayas, especially Shiva's erect phallus.
3. Demolition of Himalayas may not go down well with Hindutva groups such as BJP.
4. Hindu Sadhus will have fewer places to contend with.
   

Approach II:
Advantages:

1. Stops all trade of Pakistan with its neighbours especially China.
   
2. Isolates Pakistan from the rest of Asia and the rest of the world. So this ensures that we are teaching Pakistan a proper lesson.
3. India can probably use her influence to have Pakistan declared an insignificant chunk of brazen mass of land, and thus, a non-entity. This would be the ultimate revenge against Pakistan.
   

Disadvantages:

1. India would be losing out on drugs especially opium.
   
2. Approval from a lot many countries would be required and a significant diplomatic effort might be necessitated. Even the present Congress Government with all it exceptional diplomats might find it difficult to push it down the throat of west.
   
3. India would have to probably accommodate American wish of carving out rest of the Muslim world as well, barring the oil rich regions.
   

Common:

Advantages:

1. One obvious advantage is to make India more safe and secure from insurgency operations. A lot of effort gets spent on cleaning up the debris left after each such attack. All that effort would be saved. Further cleaning up of those (sort of) permanent red blotches left on roadways and walls of malls and hotels due to pools of blood spread around, a major revulsion for the cultured and commiserative people of India, will not be required.
   
2. No Kashmir and we will have an automatic resolution of Kashmir issue.

Disadvantages:

1. This move will be opposed by Indian army as army men would be losing out on a lot of money sent towards Kashmir.
2. Politicians can no longer harp on the rhetoric of Kashmir and Pakistan (at least not in the conventional sense).
3. Journalists and media men will have fewer things to bash the Government with. Also they would miss the gruesome and heart rending scenes, with their lengthy apologies and deep commiseration for the dead, which they would have been sorry to exhibit in front of their distressed audience.
   
4. People of India will have nothing to look forward to lighten up their morose lives and nobody to put the blame onto, so that they can forget their own wickedness and corruption.
5. We would have nobody to blame, when blasts are carried out in Mosques, Gurdwaras and/or Churches with the intention of inciting hatred amongst various communities.
6. There will be no heroes, who died the death of a martyr and who fought bravely and gallantly the bullets of coward terrorists, for us the humbled and thankful lot.
   

The final decision in this regards is still pending and Government is looking into it from all possible angles (even from the one that let's one see what is inside a woman's skirt). Government is keeping a tight lip over the matter for now, except may be leaking a word or two to one of the more prominent media houses based upon superiority of compensation offered.

Homeless Palestine Girl

I may be homeless Palestine Girl but I retain my right to do make-up.

Obama wants Whitehouse to be renamed Blackhouse

Washington: Newly elected President of United States of America, Barack Obama wants Whitehouse to be renamed to Blackhouse or at least Coloredhouse before he and his family moves into it. And to make mansion live up to its name, he wants it to be painted black.

Further Obama said, “I want the message of hope and change to live for a thousand years and it is only befitting that we start with change right from the place where the need arose in first place.” In his characteristic eloquence, Obama added, “The dream of black slaves who built Blackhouse (then Whitehouse) needs to live on.”

Addressing a roaring crowd, Obama said, “There are voices from blacks all over the world, to have Whitehouse demolished and instead have a new Blackhouse erected employing white slaves. But I don't agree with such voices, this would not only cruel and gruesome but will be against the principles of sound economics. Throughout our campaign, I have believed in hope and felt that our national heritage must be preserved at all cost. So instead of starting from scratch, we would paint the Whitehouse black and call it Blackhouse. Indeed we will employ white slaves in black sleeves to do that. This will echo into the lands farther and wider than ever before, the message of hope. And is most befitting celebration of American renewal and resurrection.”

Could birth of Jesus be the real reason behind economic recession

Its been blamed on Housing Crisis. Its been blamed on our the colossally lavish and profligate lifestyle. Its been blamed on the very foundations of capitalism and free market economy work. Despite the amount of research and efforts put into finding the reasons, we are still no less farther from finding the truth then we were at the advent of global recession. But things may be taking a turn for the better, if a not-so-well-known Indian economist is to be believed.

Meet XXXX XXXXX (who did not want to be named and did not want to fake-named either), an unknown Indian whom you may meet walking in the street and wonder, “who the hell is he,” and walk away without bothering to answer your own question. Yes, this very XXXX XXXXX, has come up with the theory that could shake up the foundations of modern economics to the very core.

Here is XXXX XXXXX explaining in his own words, his theory:

“Right from the childhood, I had a feeling that somehow somewhere there is a problem with the current economic order. I mean I remember at the age of 6, asking the question to my father, ‘How will the mixed economy of India fare against the free market economies of the world?’ Even though the term ‘free market’ itself was unknown then, but I could see it coming in a few years time. My father was perplexed to say the least. But he always encouraged my questions, even though he could not answer them. At the age of 8 years, I asked him, ‘What will happen when the now iridescent surface of housing bubble goes burst, for no boom lasts forever, how will the global-macro-economy cope up with the calamity?’ My father brushed aside the question, with a flick of his hand. I kept quiet, but deep down in my heart, I knew, there was something wrong with the very foundations of world economy.”

“Throughout my adolescence and even afterwards, one thing that constantly gnawed at my heart with all its canine prowess was the question, ‘What is wrong with the world economy?’ I sat hours on an end, lost, immersed deeply in thought, gazing out of the window into the empty oblivion, looking out for reasons for this malady facing the world economy. The more I pondered over it, the more I realized that it has to be something really basic, something really trivial, something that has been overlooked for centuries and centuries. And not only that, to remain concealed from the inquisitive eyes of the great economists, it has to be something that has been hailed as a major milestone in the history of human civilization as a whole. Just then, I knew that something was within my grasp, just within the grab of my fingers, but was slipping from my hands right at the moment I felt I have got it, as if my hands were greased. Then about six months back it hit upon me, and I could see it as clear as one would see a pyramid crystal striking at the bridge of one's nasal cavity.”

“The reason was the birth of Jesus Christ. Anybody who does a little free thinking over the problems facing free market economy will come to the same conclusion. Take for instance housing crisis. Housing crisis arose because of tendency of humans to seek a dwelling of their own. This tendency, innocuous though it seems, is the primary cause of current financial crisis and is a direct consequence of the descent of the Son of God, Jesus Christ, upon earth. Christian teachings, of never asking an eye in return for an eye and giving the other cheek away, have made humans crave out for safe abodes where they can live in peace and harmony with their neighbors, happily ever after. In the good old days, man was content to cudgel his neighbors or mince into raw meat his opponents. Consequently the desire for having a safe heaven to rest idle did not arise. Hence, there were no houses and consequently no housing crisis or global depressions.”

“In summary, the human civilization would have lived without any economic depression for ten's of thousand years to come, if only the Son of God, Jesus Christ had not decided one fine day to descend to mother earth and to deprive a virgin maiden of the opportunity of getting pregnant by good old means of penetration of her vulva by a throbbing manhood. That is not to blame the great Jesus Christ, we all so love him.”

Economic slowdown hits terrorism

OLD DELHI: Economic slowdown and especially the recent fall in tourism has hit terrorism badly in the country, according to DHP Chamber of Terrorism and Extremism.

“Even though the attacks in hotels and railway station in Mumbai, seems to suggest a rise in terrorism. But evidence exists which proves to the contrary. In fact, terrorism will fall by 25 to 30 per cent this year,” warns DHP Chamber in a report submitted to Central Government on impact of slowdown in economy and tourism on terrorism in India.

Stating that there had been a substantial fall in terrorism, PHD Chamber assessed chances of terrorist strike on any major city in India to be very grim for the coming few months. “In October last year, there was a mere 1.8 per cent rise in number of terrorist attacks in India over the corresponding figure of October 2007. In comparison, the increase in foreign terrorist incidents in October 2007, compared to the same month in 2006, was 13.6 per cent. Increase in the number of cancellations in terrorist strikes is mainly due to economic slowdown and the generally prevailing atmosphere of distrust.”

The report quotes a terrorist named Al Wahidi, “Two years before a call for Jihad in some commonplace poster or even some graffiti on public lavatories would have attracted a thousand strong contingent of Jihadi warriors. But now advertisements placed in leading national newspapers don't fetch more than a handful. The reason is,” Al Wahidi goes on to say, “the reluctance of Arab Sheikhs and Mullas to invest in Jihad. Everybody seems to hold his cards close to his chest. The atmosphere of mistrust and fear is so intense that even big players are desisting from getting their hands wet.”

The report also reveals that during September to December last year recession has actually caused the cancellation of terrorist strikes by 30 to 40 per cent. “Demand for terrorist attacks is down, basically Arab Sheikhs have been badly affected by recession. Major terrorism destination states like JK, Delhi, UP, Maharastra, Karnatka and Gujrat have seen 20 to 25 per cent drop in terrorist activities.”

Reacting to the report, Home Minister, P. Chidambaram said, “India should be prepared for temporary slowdown on terrorism, but important think to realize is that our fundamentals are quite strong, and once global situation stablizes, terrorism in India will again return to the growth trajectory of 8 to 9 percent. Another important thing to note is that under the present UPA regime, terrorism in India, for the first time has been able to sustain a growth rate of nine per cent or more over a period of three years.”

He further went on to say, “There has been a marked change in the way the terrorism in India is viewed both within and outside the country. The whole world now recognizes India as a major terrorist destination. This is a major achievement for not only UPA Government but also for the whole of India.” He further reiterated, “Terrorism in India will weather the storm of global economic meltdown. The authorities in the US and Europe have taken a number of bold and unconventional steps in order to stabilise the financial situation. We hope that their efforts will succeed and terrorism will reach its crescendo again.”

Advertisement in public interest:

Web based company approaches raped Meerut girl

Reuters: A web based company has approached a raped Meerut girl, after she revealed that 14 persons gang-raped her Tuesday last. The girl, whose name has been withheld to ensure her privacy, is a resident of 271, block 11, Navya nagar, Meerut. Her phone number is 94052-22484, last 6 digits apparently being a smart combination of her date of birth. She is a student of pharmacy at Translam Institute of Pharmaceutical Education Research. Her Orkut and Facebook accounts can be searched for with the name of her father and mother. From her Orkut account, she has no boyfriend (oh the poor-poor girl, one's heart goes out for her).

The web based company (name withheld) famous for pornographic X-rated content, has reportedly offered the girl lead role in its upcoming movie venture “7:1.” An unnamed source mentioned that “somebody who has been raped by 14 people is ideally suited for the role.” The girl's father, Prakash Ram and mother Rajni Devi are extremely elated at this offer, modalities of which are being negotiated in extreme secrecy.

NGO to hold World No Murders for Petty Reasons Day, 2009

Delhi: To increase awareness against murders committed for petty reasons, amongst criminals and especially murderers, with special emphasis on murders done by stabbing in the back, slitting of throat and poking foreign pointed objects in or towards genitals, Oamis, a Delhi based NGO, is organizing a workshop to commemorate the ‘World No Murders for Petty Reasons Day.’

“Every year, we conduct events as part of our No More Murders for Petty Reasons Mission from 11th-15th January, as we feel that such informative sessions for the criminals will help them to incorporate social concerns regarding such murders in their future enterprises,” said Oamis executive director, Suja Pijay Vukhija. Oamis or Organization of Aware Murdrers in Society’s “The No Murders for Petty Tour” for the murderers at the Tihar Jail on Tuesday is part of its week long No More Murders for Petty Reasons Mission, 2009.

The seventeen participating jails include Tihar Jail (Delhi), Alipore Jail and Vellore Central Prison to name a few important ones.

The workshop will initially focus on evidences of criminal activities that are related to murders for petty reasons over the last 100 years. However, the highlight of the event will be interactive session whereby criminals will be asked to enact situations and different kinds of murders for petty reasons (fake ones of course , you don't expect them to get nasty during workshop) they have committed or planned during their illustrious carrier.

For instance, while one group will enact stabbings and relate all the petty reasons to it, another will give combined history lessons on the industrial revolution and its effects on the murders for petty reasons. “These exercises will give us a clear understanding of what exactly is happening as far as murders for petty reasons are concerned and help us in incorporating this knowledge in any future research on the subject,” said, an obviously elated, Aadhika Tyer, a budding no-murders-for-petty-reasons-enthusiast. The best group will be chosen and given the coveted Murders Only for Non-Petty Reasons Trophy along with a prize money of Rs 2 lakhs.

Oamis, as part of its program, will also train five criminals from Tihar Jail as no-murders-for-petty-reasons-ambassadors. These criminals will be responsible for spreading awareness amongst other criminals and murderers inside and outside jail premises.

On the eve of week long workshop, the director of Oamis, N.P.M. Sevaram, had this message to give to all the criminals and budding criminal enthusiasts, “Let us all pledge that on Wednesday, 14th January, there will be no murders for petty reasons, such as a mobile (ok Nokia E71 and the likes excluded!), a hand watch (not even Rolex one, no exceptions for this one), a fake ring (in case of doubt always ask the concerned person, before embarking on the nasty stuff) or anything similar. Further, let us all pledge that in future no matter how urgent and pressing the need for money is, all murderers will adhere to no-murders-for-petty-reasons policy. If you need less money, than donate ‘extra money’ to some NGO; Oamis's own Donate-to-Us desk is always no further than a hand's length.”

On our part, we common people can only hope that the workshop is a huge success and is a pivotal point in shaping criminal history of the nation.

Lack of winter fog disrupts Air and Rail travel in the Capital

New Delhi: A lack of any kind of fog over the national capital increased the visibility levels to above 10,000 metres, disrupting train and flight travel for the second consecutive day, today.

"My flight was right on time. I was going to Srinagar. Reason for right time is given to be good weather and lack of fog. Now what do I do?" asked Amit, a passenger.

Yesterday no flights were canceled and all the flights took off on time.

"My daughter was going to Ahmedabad and her flight came on time. We have come here from Meerut and we are facing lot of problems. We were expecting a delay of no less than six hours, and now you can probably understand our diabolical situation," said Alok Kumar, relative of a passenger.

Train schedules were also unaffected with no cancellations. And for the third time in the history of Indian Railways not one train arrived more than 1 hour late. The other two instances being yesterday and the day of 16^th April 1853, when first ever passenger train started in India between Bombay and Thane.

"I was expecting to meet my maternal aunt in Kanpur on my way to Delhi (from Lucknow) at 6'0 clock in the morning, as I was expecting train to be delayed by 8 hours. However, the train even reached Delhi by this time," said Pushpesh, son of a retired beggar in the Indian Railways.

Road traffic also moved at a slightly swifter pace when compared to the usual snail's pace, as the roads remained open due to good visibility. As a result many office-goers reached before time.

"We had to wait for the security guard for over two hours," said Prakash, an annoyed employee of a yet to be named IT company.

North India usually witnesses early morning fog every winter when night temperatures often dip below five degrees Celsius. Despite the last two fogless days, weather department is promising a foggy winter ahead. We can do all but pray, that weather gods will relent and cover Delhi skies with dense thick fog so that Air and Rail traffic resumes to normal.

GNU to use BSE

In what is widely viewed as yet another feather to the much adorned cap of Indian economy. GNU, the Free Software Foundation's (FSF) sister organization recognized BSE Sensex as prime seed for its Random Number Generators in the GNU Scientific Library. GNU Spokesman, U. Namsekops, said that in the tests conducted proved BSE to be better random number generator than even physical random number generators (which some people also call "real" random number generators). These include dice, coin flips, the shuffling of playing cards, the use of yarrow stalks in the I Ching, and many other techniques.

BSE Sensex generated uniformaly distributed random numbers between 0 and 1 and consistently out performed the other well known methods of random number generation both "real" and "psuedo." It is said that, a "random number generator" based solely on deterministic computation cannot be regarded as a "true" random number generator, since its output is inherently predictable. As John von Neumann, the famous mathematician, once said, "Anyone who uses arithmetic methods to produce random numbers is in a state of sin." However if findings of GNU are to be believed, with BSE Triggered Random Number Generator (BTRNG (pronounced buttering) as it is being hailed), these skepticisms may be a thing of the past.

Experts also point out that apart from the random nature of the BSE, this shift demonstrates the growing clout of India as an emerging global super power. Such random number generation have practical applications ranging from cryptography to numerical calculations involving very high degree of randomness. With recognition of BSE as a seed for random number generation by GNU, a major milestone has been achieved in making the world recognize India as a global super power. This global recognition is a major boost to Indian Bussiness Establishment, as globally India is increasingly playing major role on all fronts.

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